The Journey of a Thousand Miles...or something similar.

So, I've been doing some research to try and understand myself.  I've been reading a book called "Dressing Your Truth" by Carol Tuttle.  This book tries to help you make some sense of who you are and why you do, say and act the way you do.  A lot of it makes sense.  There are four types...and I am CLEARLY a type 1. ( Find your type here! )  Everything within that type describes me perfectly.  I am trying very hard to live my life that way.  However, in doing this research, I'm finding some things.  And I don't like it.

A type 1 personality is described as bright and airy.  Her goal is to have fun and to inspire others to have fun. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to have fun.  I can have fun doing almost anything.  I can often be found daydreaming, doodling, creating, singing, dancing (badly) or other childlike things.  I have always been that way.  Always.  Want an example?  Here you go...

eating cookie dough..while covered...with Grandma.
Shocking.

Having fun is a double edged sword.  Because I am always on the lookout for fun, I live a somewhat indulgent lifestyle.  I like cookies because they're good.  I like snow cones because they're fun.  I like Famous Dave's because it's fun.  And tasty.  If something isn't fun to me, I don't want to do it and often don't actually do things that I think are lame. For instance, things that are necessary in life aren't always fun.  Cooking, cleaning, exercising, planning, organizing, being responsible, etc.  I am an excellent party planner - but I hate to clean it up.  Does that make sense?

So, I've learned all these things about myself...and I need to find ways to make adult life FUN.  My job isn't ever a problem because I love the customers that I work with and it's FUN to talk to them. Primary is FUN.  I need to make exercising, planning, cooking and eating right FUN.  Ugh.

I love to be the funny girl in the group, but let's be honest shall we?  I'm the funny one because the slots for the smart one, the organized one, and the pretty one are taken.  I don't mind being the funny one, really...but I need to be the healthy one.

Today, my husband said to me- We need to get healthy because I want you around in 30 years.  And I got scared.  And worried.  And I started thinking...do I really want to be skinny?  If I'm skinnier, I'll probably be prettier and then will people actually listen to me or think I'm funny?  Is the only reason that I'm funny because I'm chubby?  What happens when I lose my chubby shell and I can't hide behind it anymore?  What happens when I can't make fat girl jokes?  Will people still like me?  

I've had to be friendly and funny and personable because I've never been the skinny, pretty one.  I had to cultivate other skills to make friends.  I am honestly worried that if I am skinny...I'll have to start over.  

Now, I know how stupid that sounds.  I do. But this weight loss journey is scary.  It's who I am.  It's what I do.  It's my spot in life.  I like hiding in my chubby girl suit.  It's safe here.  People can't hurt you here. They don't necessarily judge you for all your failings...they just judge you because you're a fat kid.  That's so much easier than what people COULD judge me for, right?

However.  I love Tim more than I could ever love myself.  And because I love him, I will do this.  I will be healthy.  I'm not aiming for skinny.  I'm not aiming for gorgeous.  I'm aiming for healthy and for self acceptance.  I don't want to be this girl ever again.  (except for the meeting Reba part...that was freaking cool.)

So, please.  Be patient with me.  The journey of a thousand miles (or a hundred pounds) begins with one step.  

Ready.

Set.

Go.

Reflections

Well, here we are again.
Christmas.
Yup.

We have had an amazing year.  We've lived, we've loved, we've traveled, we've served, we've worked, some of us have hunted and fished and some of us have made candy and painted snow flakes.

Most of all this year, though, I've learned.

I've been reflecting on the past year, trying to figure out what to write.  And this is what I came up with.

Our primary theme this year was "I Am a Child of God".  Seems simple, right? Something that most of us know and have heard all of our lives, right?

Today, we did a recap of the theme for the end of the year in primary.  I read the kids the same story today that I read them on the first Sunday of 2013 - "You Are Special" by Max Lucado.  I know it's not your typical LDS book but it teaches a valuable lesson.  And today, as I was reading it and looking at each of these beautiful, kind, good children...these words hit home.


“Remember, you are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes.”

I am not a mistake.  I am not broken.  I am not worthless. I am not less of a person because of my weaknesses.
As we discussed this, we came to the conclusion that our Heavenly Father made us who we are on purpose.  We are who and what and where we are supposed to be.  We are here to learn and to grow from our experience.  It's okay that we're not all the same.  Each of us has a unique talent and a spot in this world to fill that no one else can. I asked each child what their special talent was and got some amazing answers.  And then they asked me...I honestly could think of something for every person in that room...(about 30 kids and some adults...) and couldn't think of anything for me.  Until I looked at those faces looking back at me.  No one can love them like I can.  I'm really good at loving people.  And when I said that...they all agreed.  And the more we talked, the more I realized that I was not teaching this lesson for them.  This lesson was for me.

I wish I could tell you how strongly I feel about this.  I wish you could see how much it has affected me.  I wish you could know what I know.  Some of you do...and some of you don't.  I wish I could bring each of you to primary with me and let you learn what I have learned.  No one can be Katie Jennings like I can.  No one can do the things that I do in the way that I do them. No one can love people like I can. I have struggled this year with finding my place in this world...and I think I know where it is.  It is in the heart of the Shepherd's fold- loving, fellowshipping and teaching.

I wish I could shout from the rooftops that I am a Child of God and I am special.  I wish I could look each of you in the eyes and make you know that you are too.  But...since I can't...
This will have to do.
You are loved.
You are special.
You are a Child of God.
Merry Christmas.

My Friends That Aren't So Imaginary Anymore.

I have been trying very, very hard to be more outgoing. I used to be CRAAAAZY outgoing and as I've gotten older, I've become incredibly self conscious.  I'm not crazy about the way I look, the way I talk, the things I lack or the person that I'm not.  In fact, you could almost say that I loathe those things.  Yes.  Loathe. Because I am a self imposed introvert, I don't have to see those things.  I don't have to notice that I didn't go to college.  I don't have to compare my hair to anyone else's.  I can wear crazy mismatched things and it's okay ... in the comfort of my own home.  I can love cats and think in song titles and movie quotes and laugh at myself for hours. I can wear my winter hat with my pajamas and some mismatched slippers...which is what I'm doing now.  I can dance.  I can sing. When I'm at home....I'm okay with me.  I don't have to put on the facade that I love my fabulous life.  When someone on tv starts discussing things that make me uncomfortable, I can change to ESPN and feel okay about it.

I have to admit, this year has been a journey for me.  At first, I was a displaced caregiver trying to find a purpose.  Then, I became Super Mormon Primary Woman....and I still try to fill those shoes every Sunday, but it can't consume my life.  And then...I found them.  I found a group where I belong.  I found women like me.  These women struggle with the thing they lack at times and celebrate it at others.  They have careers.  They have hobbies.  They understand.  And thus, the journey to self acceptance began for the first time in my adult life.  We talk-figuratively.  We cry.  We laugh.  We understand and most importantly, we accept.  We build and support.  We comfort. We empathize. We pray for each other and for ourselves.  I'm usually not a huge supporter of sharing information with people I've never met- but they are different.  I could not have made it through this year without them.  Y'all know who you are.  Heavenly Father must really love us an awful lot because He made us all awesome...and then led us to each other.

I know this post is incredibly vague, but for right now, it has to be.  I am just so grateful that Heavenly Father puts people in our lives for a reason. I'm glad He put us here and gave us hearts to feel and understand.  I am grateful for a little Facebook group of 23 women from all over the world that helps me to not feel like such a misfit.  I may never meet some of them, but I am glad to know them. I am glad for their part in my life and in my journey.

And all because I figured out that I am Christina Yang.

The Loss of a Legend

Tonight, I have a very heavy heart.  Last Thursday, our community- both local and industry- lost an amazing leader.  Tomorrow, I have to go to her viewing.  And my heart is broken.

How does one begin to memorialize a person like Vanetta Griggs Wilson?  How do you even know where to start?  I suppose at the beginning.

When I was first hired at Chesbro Music almost 9 years ago, I had the opportunity to sit down with the company's CEO, Vanetta.  Now, I was terrified.  Seriously.  She's the CEO.  I'm just a little retail salesperson who likes to play the piano.  I'm nobody.  But not to her.  She explained to me that all of us at Chesbro were family.  We supported each other, we took care of one another.  She asked me about my career plans with the company...and then completely supported them.  Not only did she support them, but she gave me tools, ideas and suggestions on how to achieve them.  She reminded me that I was welcome in her office at any time and that she would always be there if I needed anything.

My next experience with her was my first NAMM show.  The NAMM show is the biggest trade show in the music industry.  It's huge.  It's overwhelming.  And I was terrified.  Vanetta gently reminded me of my talents and told me that she had faith in me and that I would represent her company well.  She stood beside me and taught me how to navigate the industry.  She showed me how to do business in a ladylike, gracious and effective way.  She showed me how I needed to treat each and every customer.  She told me that regardless of how big or how small a customer's business was that every one of them was important and should be treated as if they were my first priority.  She showed me how to deal with publishers and to be gracious, but to get them to do what I needed them to do for our company. Vanetta and I traveled together a couple of times and roomed together a couple of times.  She was such a thoughtful and kind woman.

Vanetta was a confidant.  She understood my trials.  She had them too.  She understood my need to be successful at something.  She understood when I needed to leave quickly to support my family.  She understood that I only got frustrated when our customers weren't treated fairly.  She was empathetic to my personal struggles and often offered advice, solutions and a listening ear.

There are so many things that I could say about her.  So many.  But above all, she was kind.  She exemplified the Savior in every aspect of her life, but it was evident most of all in her treatment of others.  Never an unkind word.  Never a moment wasted.  Never a smile not given.

While the world is mourning Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela, I am mourning someone who had a much more profound impact.  The world has lost an amazing, kind, gracious woman and we are worse for it.  The best we can do is to follow her example and be better people.  I will do my best to do better, smarter, more gracious, relationship centered business and to be a leader, a mentor and a friend in her honor.

Thank you, Vanetta.

Vanetta's Life Legacy and Service Information

My Life and Primetime Medical Dramas.

I am a HUGE Grey's Anatomy fan.  Like ...watched every single episode huge.
So.
Naturally, when I heard that this was Sandra Oh's last season, I was distressed.  I mean, she's Mer's person.
Like...
"If I murdered someone, you're the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. she's my person." - Christina Yang

So, I wondered...are they going to kill her off like they have everyone else? Or is she just going to pull and Izzy and disappear?
So, I watched tonight's episode...and here's what happened. (stop reading if you haven't seen it yet...and you want to.)
Basically, Christina steals a surgery because Meredith is busy being a mom.  Both admirable professions.  Meredith is understandably upset.  In her explanation, Christina explains that once upon a time, the two of them were walking the same path, heading for the same destination, together.  They had things in common.  They had inside jokes and a great unhindered relationship.
Then, Meredith adopted a baby and gave birth to another. Something had to give...and the path changed.  Meredith was on the fast track to mom of the year...while Christina was still ... Christina.
Both things are absolutely admirable and acceptable.
Most of the time.

I struggle with this on a daily basis.  I make friends.  I think we're awesome.  We do stuff together, we like the same things, we laugh and have fun, we cry, we vent, we live.

Then....something changes.

At first I thought I was just being a rotten, envious person. And then I realized, I'm not envious.  I love my life.  I love my little world.  And you love yours.  And that's okay.  But instead of being my person, you now have to be someone else's person.  And again, that's okay.  For you.
And I'm aware that you don't do these things intentionally.  I understand that family comes first.  I understand that mommyhood comes first.  I accept that.  But sometimes, I really need a friend...and when I struggle, I have no one to turn to because everyone is busy.  Busy with dance or gymnastics or soccer or school or life.  When my husband is gone, I have no one to call to go to the movies with...not because I know y'all won't go, but because I don't want to burden you.  I know you have more important things to do than watch movies and wander around the mall.

Infertility has made it so that I am forever stuck in young adulthood.  I still go to the mall and window shop.  I still go to movies.  I eat cupcakes for dinner...and breakfast...and lunch.  I wake up when I want to, I do what I want to, I watch what I want to...Tim and I basically do all the things we did when we were first married.  Not much has changed.
And that's okay.
I'm not saying that I'm sad or hurt or devastated because I've been through multiple Meredith's in my life...I just never pictured myself as Christina...
Please know that I think you're all great moms.  I think what you're doing is amazing.  I could never, ever do it.  Ever.  Know that I miss you, but I would rather you be where you are because I understand the value of a good parent.  Know that I pray for you and your kiddos.  I love you and your kiddos.  And just because I disappear doesn't mean I don't like you.  It means that my road is going to a different destination than yours is...and they're very far apart.
I understand.
And I hope you do too.
And it's okay if you don't...
Because I'm okay.

Wait. I'm a WHAT?!?

Right at this moment, I am so mad and so hurt and so annoyed that I cannot even think straight.
So please...forgive my rant.

Someone showed me something the other day and prefaced it by saying
"I thought you would enjoy this because you're such a feminist."

Yeah, that's how I felt.

So confused that only a gif from the Kardashians could explain it.

Let's clear this up right now.

I.

Am.

Not.

A.

Feminist.

Nor will I ever be.

Don't get me wrong.  I firmly feel that women should have all the rights and privileges as a man.  I think things should be fair.  But that's because I think things should be fair for everyone.

(is that Kardashian clip making you crazy too? scroll down.)

HOWEVER.

(and that's a big however.)

I believe that God gave men and women specific duties and gifts and talents in this life.

I believe that we should cultivate those.

I believe that we should exemplify those.

Now, I know.  I'm not a cookie cutter wife/mother/daughter/aunt/sister/woman/Mormon.

I get it.

That is not necessarily of my own choosing.

But because I believe in a merciful, loving and teaching God, I accept the life I was given and will do the best I can with it.

But just because I don't have children and I have a career in a male dominated industry doesn't mean that I am a feminist.

It means I don't have children.

It means I love my job.

It means I'm Perfectly Katie.

Just because I stand up for women and girls everywhere doesn't mean that I am a feminist.

It means I am a human being with a heart.

Just because I am more comfortable in a truck wearing blue jeans doesn't make me a feminist.

Just because I enjoy sports and hot wings instead of a cozy, romantic dinner doesn't make me a feminist.

It means that I like football and pickups and hot wings.

I love my husband.  I support him in his duties as a man, my husband and a priesthood holder.

And let's get this clear right now.

I don't want the priesthood.

EVER.

I really have enough to do already without that responsibility.

And really?

What is wrong with just being a good woman?  NOTHING!  

A good woman can change the world and beautify it in a way that no one else can.

No person can love you like a mother or a sister or a "primary" mom can.

A man cannot do what a woman can.

This is obvious.

Now, don't call me old fashioned.

I believe household duties should be shared.  I believe bill paying should be shared.  I believe that men and women should treat each other equally.  

But...if my husband needs a sammich, I should and do feel great about making him one. If he needs a patch sewed on, I can do that. If he needs our home to be a place where he can relax and feel comfortable and watch football and eat my amazing nachos, I can provide that.

Not only am I a career woman, but I am also a woman of God.

Which means that I understand my role and purpose and I am doing my best to exemplify that role.

This doesn't make me less of a person.  It means I have love and concern for the well being of my spouse and for the children (although they are just primary children) and the pets that have been entrusted to me.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

So there.

Blargh.

Speaking of sammiches...I need to go make some because hunting season opens in 4 hours.

Off my soapbox.

Feminist, sheesh.

Girl, please.

12 years...

12 Years.

I have been married to my very best friend and superhero for 12 years on Saturday.

So, because I don't tell him nearly enough...

Here are 12 things I ADORE about Tim.

1. His smile.

2. His ability to make me laugh.  Even when it's inappropriate.

3.  His work ethic.  He works hard.  Sometimes, too hard.

4.  His dedication to his calling and to the priesthood.

5. His adventurous nature.  Always ready to explore.  And he always encourages me to explore too.

6.  His calming nature. 

7.  His eyes.  They twinkle.  I love that.

8.  His ability to fix ANYTHING. Seriously. He could give Bob Villa a run for his money.

9.  His superhero-ness.  He can always save my day.

10. He is an EXCELLENT uncle, brother, son, friend, cousin, grandson, etc.

11.  He is a good man.  They are so few and far between...and I got the best of them.

12. The way he loves me. Loyal, kind, thoughtful and sincere.

Happy Anniversary, Husbandito.

Love you to the moon.....

and back.