I'm a hypothetical kind of gal.
I like to wonder.
I like to imagine.
Which leads to this.
Yesterday, I was feeling sort of bad for myself. Pity party for one, you might say.
I was looking at myself and wondering "What have I done with my life? Who will remember me when I'm gone? Who will care? Who will want to know about me? Oh, that's right...I have no kids. No lineage. The buck stops here."
So, I took my sad, sorry, pathetic self home and tried to decide what to do about dinner.
As I was getting it ready, my doorbell rang.
Lo and behold, there stood my neighbor kids from across the street.
They came to bring "Brother Jennings" and I cupcakes that they made.
(a little background...these kids go to primary. we have taught them with the missionaries in our home. they ride to church with me on occasion and almost always sit with us.)
As I hugged them goodbye, the littlest one said "I wuv you, Sither Jennings!"
And I began to play the "What If?" game...
What if.....
I don't have children for a reason?
What if...
I actually had my own children?
What if...
Heavenly Father actually knows what He's doing?
I think I know myself pretty well. I'm pretty positive that my nieces and nephews are the cutest children to EVER walk the face of the earth. I know that my cats are smarter and prettier and funnier than anyone else's...and my husband, well, he hung the moon.
It makes me wonder if I don't have children because I'm needed elsewhere. If I had my own children, I wouldn't like anyone else's child. At all. Because, let's be honest. We all know my kids would be AMAZING.
How would it be possible for me to love my primary kids like my own? To stand up for them? To worry about them? To be concerned about their future, about their worthiness, about their identity, about their feelings?
It wouldn't.
For some reason, they need ME. They need all of me. They need me to be a primary mom. To bust their chops when they screw up. To love them. To teach them. To make them my first priority.
Isn't it wonderful that Heavenly Father has this huge master plan that we can't understand all at once? Isn't it wonderful that He knows each of us? He knows who I am. He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, my struggles and my triumphs. I am grateful that He knows me. I am grateful that He gave me 60 kids instead of 5. I am grateful that He loves me and can give me what I need everyday. I am grateful for my calling. I am grateful for my testimony. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who keeps His eye on little, old me.
