Things I Wish I Could Say Out Loud

I was watching TLC tonight (shocking...) and came across the show "Four Weddings".  These people attend each other's weddings and vote on the winner.  Whatever.  The part that touched me was the personal vows that these couples had written for each other.  Now, for those of you that were married in a place similar to the one I was married in, you understand when I say...I wish that was part of the ceremony.  I wish I had the guts to say those special words in front of everyone...or even just to Tim. 

I've never been the gushy type, I grew up in a family of boys, for heaven's sake.  I don't really have a way with words.  And... when I feel uncomfortable, I make everything funny.

So, for the record....here's what I wish I had said 12 years ago.

Tim,

I never understood love until I met you.  You swept me off my feet the first time I laid eyes on you. I will do my best to be your rockstar wife.  I will stand by you through thick, thin, good, bad, pretty, ugly, funny and sad.  I will support you in everything you do...or at least, I will do my best to.  I will give you everything I have, everything that I am and everything that I ever will be.  While I may not always be the wife you deserve, rest assured and know that you are perfect for me.  You are my knight in shining armor, the milk to my cookie and most importantly, the man I want to spend eternity with.  I know that things won't turn out the way we planned or even the way we wanted or imagined and I'm sorry, but I do know that we'll make it through as long as we have each other. You are the man I was meant to love and I love you to the moon and back.

 

There.  Too much gushy.  Just like the mud I lost my shoe in while I was fishing with my superhero yesterday.  But every word is true.  Every.  Single.  Word.  And honestly?  If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.  Not one moment.  Sure, I often think that I might do things differently, but if I did, we wouldn't be who we are today.

Sheesh.

That's enough of that.

So. Much. Gushy.

Never Grow Up...

Saw my nephew tonight.  I have MISSED his little face.  And I thought about this song...
I'm normally not a girl that adores Taylor Swift...but this seemed appropriate...
Even if I can never say these words to their faces...I will always want them to know that this is how I feel.  I would do anything for them.  Any time.
And I want them to stay little forever so that I can always protect them.
Enjoy.

Midnight Musings...June Edition

So, here it is, 1 a.m. and I'm awake.  I'm as awake as can be.

You may ask why...Even if you don't...I'm going to tell you.

Reason 1:  Way too much Diet Mountain Dew today.

Reason 2:  My husband is at Scout Camp until Saturday.  I don't sleep without him.  Some nights I think, man...Tim needs to stop a.) hogging the bed.  b.) snoring  c.) kicking the covers on to me.  d.) taking all the covers away.  However, after 12 years, I still find my king sized bed very lonely when he's gone.  And although I am so glad that my husband is a priesthood honoring man who is fulfilling his calling and being a good, strong Scout leader...I miss him.  A lot.

Reason 3:  Tomorrow, I am hosting a baby shower.  WHAT?!?  I have never hosted a baby shower, much less been to one.  Ever.  I hate them with every fiber of my being.  More than the dentist.  That's a lot.  So, I have spent the last week making mustache games, making mustache chocolates, trying to figure out what the heck people do at these things and now realizing (in the middle of the night) in the midst of all my planning...I have forgotten to buy the mother to be a gift.  Holy bananas.  Really?  Thank heavens WalMart is open 24 hours...and that I have a stash of baby ick that I've been collecting...just in case. Also, I feel sick because while making chocolate mustaches, I've tasted far too many and now am feeling quite ill.

Reason 4:  I forgot to turn off the water outside before it got dark.  Tim has all the flashlights with him.  And....I'm pretty sure that there is some homicidal maniac (cue Aaron Hernandez jokes here) waiting outside to kill me.  And yet, I don't want to flood my poor plants.  Whatever, it's supposed to be super hot tomorrow, they'll be fine, right?  

Reason 5:  Because I've been so busy planning a baby shower, teaching sharing time, teaching singing time and working a full time job, my house is a DISASTER.  AND...I have company coming in less than a week. To stay.  Sigh.  All night dish washing and laundry marathon anyone?

Reason 6:  I am homesick.  Now, I understand...I don't have a hometown.  And the places that my family lives are most certainly not home to me.  However, I have lived very close to my little brother for a few months...and then they moved away.  And I hate it.  I hate my family all being somewhere else.  I hate that my brothers are all in one place and my parents are in another place.  And I hate that we all have lives that prevent us from having a big family reunion.  And I miss my nephew.  I miss all of my nieces and nephews, but this one...well, he lived close for a long time...and I spent a lot of time with him...and well, I miss him. 

Reason 7:  My biggest fear is that I'll trip in the night and break my face and there will be no one to take me to the emergency room...which I wouldn't want to go to anyways.  I would rather have a broken face than to have to pay the same doctor 14 different times for one stupid 3 hour visit.  I mean seriously, you spent 10 minutes with me and now you think you have the right to charge me hundreds and hundreds of dollars for your 10 minutes?  Buddy, you owe me for 3 hours.  Let's just call it even, right?

Reason 8:  I'm typing this stupid blog.  

Now, I'm going to attempt to sleep...but will probably end up lying in bed playing Candy Crush Saga on my phone until it dies and my eyeballs fall out.  Serious.  Don't make fun of me tomorrow if I have no eyeballs.  I'll be super offended.

Good night.

Family History, I am doing it, My Family History...

So, for those of you that pay attention, you've noticed that I do a lot of indexing.  No...not the kind at the library.  Well, kind of like that.  Some of you have had questions...hopefully I can answer them.
First of all, What is indexing?
Well, basically, someone has scanned archaic paperwork into a database.  The information on that paperwork-passenger lists, death certificates, christening records, census forms- needs transferred to a digital database.  So, I transfer that information from one place to another.  I like to think of myself as an ancestry taxi cab.  I take people where they need to be.  This information is used to piece together family history, you know..where YOU came from, how your family got here, who else you're related to, etc.  It's not only interesting, but essential to knowing who you are.
Secondly, Why are you indexing?
Well, first, I'm a nerd.  I LOVE family history.  I love all the details! And in order for me to know those details, someone had to do some research and some work and some indexing.  I want to repay their hard work...or at least, pay it forward. (which, coincidentally, is a great movie that you should watch)
Second, I am LDS. (Or, a Mormon, if you'd like).  We very much value our family history.  Why?  Because we know that families are eternal, meaning that after death, we will still have our loved ones with us.  Isn't that great?!?  However, in order for this to happen, there are certain ordinances that we believe need to take place.  In order to put those ordinances into effect, so that my family can be linked forever, I have to have a lot of information.  My family is important to me.  I want them forever.  I don't believe that a loving God would put them in our lives, just to have them be gone when I die.  If you would like to know more about these ordinances and ideals, find the LDS missionaries.  They can help.  Or ask me and I can direct missionaries to you, happily!
Third, I am an obedient member of the LDS church.  Recently, our Stake President (who is a local religious leader...not the man in charge of tasty meat) challenged each of us to index a thousand names.  That's really what lit the fire under me.  If he thinks it's important, it must be.  He is a man of God and I will follow where he leads.
Fourth, I've noticed a change in my life since I started.  Because I am being obedient and because I know that I am doing what my Heavenly Father needs me to do, I feel more blessed, I feel more faithful.  I feel like I am making a difference.  When I first started this project, I was doing it because I am obedient.  Then I indexed some birth records and some death records and a light flickered on in my soul.  These aren't just names.  They are people.  They are people who lived and who died. They are people with a story.  They are people with a family, perhaps a family that is trying to complete their family tree and missing that one person. They are children of God.
The death records were difficult...and enlightening.  They were from the 1930's and from the south.  The thing that bothered me the most was that there was so much difference in the records of the white people and the "colored" people.  It brought me to tears.  Some of these people suffered such tragedies- for instance, one man lost his wife in child birth and 12 or so records later, lost the baby that his dear wife has died for.  Another was an adopted boy who was riding on a wagon and fell.  There were car accidents, illnesses, etc.  And it made me very much ponder my existence.  What am I doing with my life?  What will people remember?  Will I make a difference?  And, if I'm not currently doing things right, I need to change them.  Immediately.
I love Family History.  A lot.  And I think you will too, if you just try it.
Here are some links to get you started...
FamilySearch
Ancestry.com
Go.  Find your story.
It's worth it.

If you don't know me by now...

Blech.  I hate that song. And, blech, I just realized that I can actually summarize my life in song lyrics.  Isn't that pathetic?
So, since you're here, you probably want to know about me.  I've realized that I've poured out my heart and soul on this blog...and never actually introduced myself.
Hi.

I'm Katie.
I am a 32 year old superhero.  (mostly in my own mind.)
I am married to another superhero named Tim.  He's the best part of my life.  No kidding.
We have no children, because, let's be honest.... it's none of your business and what with us being superheroes and all, it would be completely unfair to the rest of the world.
I do, however, play mother to two furry babies with tails, Jack the Cat and LilyBelle the Cat.
I work my dream job everyday at a local music store in the wholesale division as an account executive.
My husband works with foster kids.  All day.  Every day.
We are an LDS Power Couple.  My husband was called to be the Young Men's President in our ward at the same time that I was called to be the Primary President.
(I seriously almost swore in the bishop's office...for real)
I have dedicated the last couple of years of my life to those primary kids.  I have adopted every single one of them and love them more than I ever thought I could.
I love my family.  I am the oldest of four kids...and the only girl.  And the shortest.  And the most round.  Or roundest, whatever. And also, the prettiest.
I am the crazy, eccentric aunt that everyone warns their kids about.
My favorite hobby is spoiling the people I love.
My favorite colors are neon colors...mostly because they're so obnoxious.
My favorite foods are ones that I can eat.
My favorite chore is dreaming about how I can make one of my cats do the dishes.
My favorite movies are mostly black and white...or have Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Julie Andrews or any combination of the actors listed.
I have a severe music addiction.  I currently have over a thousand songs on my MP3 player.  And I keep buying more.  Are there groups for that?
I love the idea of being domestic, until I actually have to do it.  Ha.
I don't like long walks on the beach...or anywhere for that matter.
I like to shoot guns, drive my truck in the mud and explore places that aren't on maps.
I love animals...  I like to shoot them.  With my camera.
I leave the real animal shooting to my super hunter husband.
I love to play card games, because most of the time you only need two people...and I don't make friends easily.
I love to play instruments.  Any kind.  Currently, the guitar.
I wish I could twinkle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and change things...or just clean my bathroom without actually stepping foot inside of it.
I think mustaches are hilarious.
I love action movies.  The good, dangerous, kind with fast American Muscle cars and lots of , well, action.
I am a HUGE sports fan.  I love the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning almost as much as I love my husband...and breathing.  I love my Oregon Ducks.  I love my New York Yankees and my Miami Heat.  Except hockey. And soccer.  And golf.  BOOOOOOORING.
My all time favorite song is, of course, I Am A Child of God.
And, now I'm sleepy.
So, feel free to tell me about you too in the comments...mostly because I'm bored...and nosy.

It's Better To Look Up...

I don't know who this post is for.  Maybe it's just for me.

Today, a mother in our ward passed away leaving behind four children and no father.

I have a couple of friends who are fighting some hard battles right now.

All around me, I see hurt.  And pain. And fear. And turmoil. And tears.

And the worst part?

I can't fix it.

I am a fixer.

Whatever it is.  I fix it.

I bake it, I hug it, I love it, I gift it, I visit it, I bring it dinner, I babysit it, I clean it, I give it rides...

I do everything in MY POWER to fix it and make it better.

I can't fix this.

I can't undo it.

I can't even make it remotely more pleasant and easy.

I have cried all day.

I've been angry all day.

Angry at how unfair the world is.

Angry that good people are suffering and crying for help.

Angry that bad things happen to good people.

Angry that choices of others are affecting these people.

Crying for four children who are without a family.

Crying for their loss, for their fear, for their instability.

I've found myself racking my brain to the point that I have a headache trying to fix it.

Trying to fix their loss, trying to fix the trials and struggles of my friends.

And I can't.

I.

Feel.

Powerless.

Everyday, I see a struggling world, trying to make it through another day, trying to put on a cheerful face, trying to just try. 

I find myself looking around, looking side to side, looking down...and seeing the same stupid things.

Sadness, hurt, loneliness, pain, frustration, hopelessness, and so much more.

I recalled a quote by President Thomas S. Monson that hit the spot today.

"Remember, it is better to look up."

And it hit me.  

I'm looking the wrong way.

I can't fix it, but I know Someone who can.

Our Heavenly Father CAN fix it.  Sometimes, He chooses not to.

Sometimes, He lets the storm rage...but He will always comfort His child if we just ask.

I am grateful for my Father in Heaven and for His wisdom and His grace and His love.

So, to end...I'll leave you with this.

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...Or Pounds

Greetings!

For those of you that don't really know me, let's just get this out of the way.

I'm a chubby girl.

My body and I have a love/hate relationship.

I've never been skinny.

Fit, maybe.

Skinny, no.

I never will be.

I accept that.

However-I want to be HEALTHY.

So, my husband and I decided to join a weight loss challenge. I thought this was great.  I'd done it before and I knew that with him on my side, I would ultimately succeed.

So, now we're three weeks in.

I am working my tail off.  Literally.

I am counting every calorie that I put in my mouth. Including chewing gum.

I work out until I am sore.

I haven't had a soda for TWO DAYS. (that's a long freaking time.)

I've lost 6 pounds.

He's lost 25.

Argh.

Let's just say that I'm flustered.  Incredibly flustered.

I almost didn't work out this morning because I was lying in bed thinking...what's the point? It's not like it does a lot of good.  So, I laid there, scratching Lily-my cat-and letting my mind wander, which I've found is never safe.

And I recalled something that happened quite some time ago.

A little insight...

I might seem like a tough girl, a Regina George type, to some.  But, even us Reginas get our feelings hurt when someone is unkind to us. We don't always show it, but we remember it and we beat ourselves up for it for the rest of our lives because we feel like we've let someone down. And most times...that someone is the girl looking right back at us in the mirror.

I won't elaborate because it's not necessary.  I just remember feeling so, so worthless and wanting to just sit down and flip off the world and quit.  In fact, I remember getting in the shower later that night and bawling my eyes out-(in the shower so that no one could see or hear me.)

I simply wasn't good enough or fit enough.  I let myself down.  I let myself believe that I was nothing. I fell right into the trap.

So, when someone asked me today why I wanted to lose weight-I tried to be sweet and coy and even funny with my response when in all reality, the thought running through my mind was "because that will never, ever happen to me again. I will not let it."

I will never, never let that happen again.  I will never allow myself to be treated like that or to feel like I'm not good enough.  Ever.

So, I pulled my chubby buns out of bed and decided to kick box my way into Thursday.

Why?

Because I'm not worthless.  Because I'm not a straggler.  Because I'm not a follower.  

Because I AM worth it.  Because I AM a leader. Because I DESERVE better.

So, 6 pounds is a success. That's 6 pounds less that I have to carry on my shoulders...or more accurately, my backside. :) 

It's 6 pounds of self doubt, fear, guilt, failure and worthlessness.  

And maybe 1 Snickers bar that I ate when I was sad.

Goodbye 6 pounds.

Fare thee well.

Don't ever come back.

I honestly never want to see you again.

Also, to the people involved in this experience, thank you.  

I appreciate your example.

Thank you for inspiring me to be better and healthier and more kind than you ever were to me.

Now, off to bed so that I can kick box the trash out of another 6 pounds again tomorrow.

Here. We. Go.