Friday, January 10, 2014

The Journey of a Thousand Miles...or something similar.

So, I've been doing some research to try and understand myself.  I've been reading a book called "Dressing Your Truth" by Carol Tuttle.  This book tries to help you make some sense of who you are and why you do, say and act the way you do.  A lot of it makes sense.  There are four types...and I am CLEARLY a type 1. ( Find your type here! )  Everything within that type describes me perfectly.  I am trying very hard to live my life that way.  However, in doing this research, I'm finding some things.  And I don't like it.
A type 1 personality is described as bright and airy.  Her goal is to have fun and to inspire others to have fun. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to have fun.  I can have fun doing almost anything.  I can often be found daydreaming, doodling, creating, singing, dancing (badly) or other childlike things.  I have always been that way.  Always.  Want an example?  Here you go...
eating cookie dough..while covered...with Grandma.
Having fun is a double edged sword.  Because I am always on the lookout for fun, I live a somewhat indulgent lifestyle.  I like cookies because they're good.  I like snow cones because they're fun.  I like Famous Dave's because it's fun.  And tasty.  If something isn't fun to me, I don't want to do it and often don't actually do things that I think are lame. For instance, things that are necessary in life aren't always fun.  Cooking, cleaning, exercising, planning, organizing, being responsible, etc.  I am an excellent party planner - but I hate to clean it up.  Does that make sense?

So, I've learned all these things about myself...and I need to find ways to make adult life FUN.  My job isn't ever a problem because I love the customers that I work with and it's FUN to talk to them. Primary is FUN.  I need to make exercising, planning, cooking and eating right FUN.  Ugh.

I love to be the funny girl in the group, but let's be honest shall we?  I'm the funny one because the slots for the smart one, the organized one, and the pretty one are taken.  I don't mind being the funny one, really...but I need to be the healthy one.

Today, my husband said to me- We need to get healthy because I want you around in 30 years.  And I got scared.  And worried.  And I started I really want to be skinny?  If I'm skinnier, I'll probably be prettier and then will people actually listen to me or think I'm funny?  Is the only reason that I'm funny because I'm chubby?  What happens when I lose my chubby shell and I can't hide behind it anymore?  What happens when I can't make fat girl jokes?  Will people still like me?  

I've had to be friendly and funny and personable because I've never been the skinny, pretty one.  I had to cultivate other skills to make friends.  I am honestly worried that if I am skinny...I'll have to start over.  

Now, I know how stupid that sounds.  I do. But this weight loss journey is scary.  It's who I am.  It's what I do.  It's my spot in life.  I like hiding in my chubby girl suit.  It's safe here.  People can't hurt you here. They don't necessarily judge you for all your failings...they just judge you because you're a fat kid.  That's so much easier than what people COULD judge me for, right?

However.  I love Tim more than I could ever love myself.  And because I love him, I will do this.  I will be healthy.  I'm not aiming for skinny.  I'm not aiming for gorgeous.  I'm aiming for healthy and for self acceptance.  I don't want to be this girl ever again.  (except for the meeting Reba part...that was freaking cool.)

So, please.  Be patient with me.  The journey of a thousand miles (or a hundred pounds) begins with one step.  


Janell said...

The healthy girl who accepts herself will be just as funny and loved as the one who met Reba. And she will have so much more energy for doing fun things that she will be UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

As for exercise, I find most of it (especially cardio)so boring I have a hard time getting motivated, even though I feel so much better afterward. One thing I really enjoy though are dance DVDs for cardio. They are fun and I feel more confident in how I move in the rest of life too. Plus it's the only way I'll ever have Maks from DWTS instructing me in the paso doble!

Nate, Marie & Lilly said...

Yet another reason we need to live by each other. I'm determined to get healthy this year too.

Oh and just so you know...You are so much more than the funny one. You are smart and pretty and funny and creative and pretty much just awesome. Love ya Thelma

Terri OConnor said...

You're beautiful. Be well, healthy and enjoy life.

Adam and Jennine Watson said...

This made me cry! You are beautiful inside and out!!! I wish you could know that you are. I would want you to be healthy for the same reason as Tim. So that you will always be around. I think healthy is a good goal to have and I hope you both will achieve it for each other. That doesn't mean skinny.

Laura Anderson said...

I am so happy you are on this journey. You are a beautiful lady on the inside as well as the outside. Being skinny is not being beautiful. I look at my beautiful granddaughter and I always think she looks a little like her Aunt Katie. Never doubt your beauty. I hope you are able to find the health and happiness you are in search of. Remember you are a child of God and he loves you and thinks you are beautiful.