So, I've been doing some research to try and understand myself. I've been reading a book called "Dressing Your Truth" by Carol Tuttle. This book tries to help you make some sense of who you are and why you do, say and act the way you do. A lot of it makes sense. There are four types...and I am CLEARLY a type 1. ( Find your type here! ) Everything within that type describes me perfectly. I am trying very hard to live my life that way. However, in doing this research, I'm finding some things. And I don't like it.
A type 1 personality is described as bright and airy. Her goal is to have fun and to inspire others to have fun. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to have fun. I can have fun doing almost anything. I can often be found daydreaming, doodling, creating, singing, dancing (badly) or other childlike things. I have always been that way. Always. Want an example? Here you go...
|eating cookie dough..while covered...with Grandma.|
So, I've learned all these things about myself...and I need to find ways to make adult life FUN. My job isn't ever a problem because I love the customers that I work with and it's FUN to talk to them. Primary is FUN. I need to make exercising, planning, cooking and eating right FUN. Ugh.
I love to be the funny girl in the group, but let's be honest shall we? I'm the funny one because the slots for the smart one, the organized one, and the pretty one are taken. I don't mind being the funny one, really...but I need to be the healthy one.
Today, my husband said to me- We need to get healthy because I want you around in 30 years. And I got scared. And worried. And I started thinking...do I really want to be skinny? If I'm skinnier, I'll probably be prettier and then will people actually listen to me or think I'm funny? Is the only reason that I'm funny because I'm chubby? What happens when I lose my chubby shell and I can't hide behind it anymore? What happens when I can't make fat girl jokes? Will people still like me?
I've had to be friendly and funny and personable because I've never been the skinny, pretty one. I had to cultivate other skills to make friends. I am honestly worried that if I am skinny...I'll have to start over.
Now, I know how stupid that sounds. I do. But this weight loss journey is scary. It's who I am. It's what I do. It's my spot in life. I like hiding in my chubby girl suit. It's safe here. People can't hurt you here. They don't necessarily judge you for all your failings...they just judge you because you're a fat kid. That's so much easier than what people COULD judge me for, right?
However. I love Tim more than I could ever love myself. And because I love him, I will do this. I will be healthy. I'm not aiming for skinny. I'm not aiming for gorgeous. I'm aiming for healthy and for self acceptance. I don't want to be this girl ever again. (except for the meeting Reba part...that was freaking cool.)
So, please. Be patient with me. The journey of a thousand miles (or a hundred pounds) begins with one step.