Christmas Reflections

Its currently midnight on Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning. I cant sleep.  Ive never been able to sleep on Christmas Eve.  When I was a little girl, it was because I was so darn excited.  The anticipation was killing me. I was that way up until a few years ago, the Christmas after we lost Grandma.  This year, we lost Jack...my best Christmas present ever. I know he was just a cat,  but I'm still sad.

As I sit and think about Christmases past (kinda like Scrooge), I can see a change in the way that I approach the holiday. I used to think about what I was getting for Christmas, what Santa was bringing ME. Then, I moved into the gift buying, treat making, decorating to the nines Christmas psycho stage.  The year we lost Grandma, I hit full blown Grinch mode. Hated Christmas.  Hated happy people...and almost begrudged them their joy. The last few years have bewn survival mode.  I do what needs done. Nothing more, nothing less. I overload myself with things to do to force myself to want Christmas.  All it does is cause me to have a nervous breakdown. 

Howver, in the last week, I feel like I've changed my focus. As I've prepared gifts for others, I've realized that it isnt about the dollars spent. Its about the time and thought and love. Ive been thinking about my family and how incredibly important they are to me and wondering if I've shown them that. I've been so touched by the kindness, generosity and love of a good LDS ward.

And most importantly,  I've been thinking more and more about the first gift of Christmas for me - the love of a Heavenly Father and the gift of a Savior to the world. The Savior is the reason. He is the light of the world. He is the most important friend I will ever have. Does He know of my love and devotion to Him?  Have I spent my time wisely, are my sacrifices and service acceptable to Him? Have I tried with every breath that I take to repay my debt to Him? Have I let Him guide and direct me and my actions? Am I good enough?

Christmas wil never be the same. From this point on,  its going to be so much better.
I am grateful for my Savior.  For His friendship,  His mercy, His love. Those are the greatest gifts that any of us will ever receive.
I hope you can find a place for Him this year. I hope you can feel of His love. He loves each of us, no matter what.
Merry Christmas.
K

Dear Nieces and Nephews...

Recently, I was blessed to become an auntie to another beautiful baby girl named Hollie.  I am beyond excited.  I got to thinking about her and about my other nieces and nephews and the things that I wanted them to know. So, this seemed to be the easiest way.

Dear Kiddos,

First and foremost, I love you.  I love each and every one of you for different reasons.  You each have qualities that make you stand out in my life.  Each of you is important to me.

Secondly, no matter what anyone tells you, remember who you are.  You are, first and foremost, a child of God.  You each have amazing families that are here to love and support you unconditionally. You each have a wonderful heritage of ancestors that sacrificed much so that you could live where and how you do.  Your parents love you more than you will ever know. Your siblings adore you.  Your grandparents love you...and Uncle Tim and I love you so so so so much and we always will.

Third, don't ever change who you are for someone else.  You are perfect the way that you are.  You are funny, smart, kind, thoughtful and adorable. If you happen to meet someone who wants you to be someone else, walk away.  They don't deserve you.  They need to rise to your level, you don't need to sink to theirs.

Fourth, take care of your family. In the end, there is nothing more important than them.  Look out for your brothers and/or sisters. You might not like them a whole lot now, but trust me when I say that when you're older, you'll wish they lived closer again.

Fifth, learn now to serve others.  There is no greater joy than serving your family- whether they're your actual family or the family you've chosen. Don't let the state of the world make you unkind.  See every person as your brother or sister and child of God, because that's truly who they are.

Sixth, Stand up for yourself and for what you believe...you know what they say-You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

Seventh, if you want something in this world to change, change it.  You have that power.  You may think that one person's actions will never ever make a difference, but they do.  Each of you is powerful beyond measure.

Eighth, (for my nieces) don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle.  You are amazing.  And no matter what, you musn't be afraid to shine a little brighter, darling. You are each beautiful, inside and out.  Don't let your outer beauty dictate your inner beauty, but rather, the other way around.  Grow up to be kind, gentle, good, virtuous women.  The world needs more women like you. Also, learn to make good cookies.  I'll help you.  Cookies can save the world.  Really.

Ninth, (for my nephews) it's okay to be a good man.  There is nothing better than a man who honors his priesthood and serves others.  You have some amazing examples of good men to look to.  Your uncle is one of them.  He honors his priesthood, he serves others every day, he is kind and gentle and thoughtful and he is also the best and strongest man that I know. He is also an amazing cook...don't ever underestimate the power of making dinner for a girl.  :) 

And tenth, please don't ever forget how important you are to me. You are one of the reasons that I wake up every day.  I know I might seem like that crazy old auntie who has way too many cats to pay attention to your lives, but I'm not ever too busy for you.  I never will be.  If you ever need me, all you have to do is say the word and I'll be right there.  Always. There are few people in this world who mean as much to me as you do.  

I promise that I will love you, tease you, spoil you, pray for you, cry for you, laugh with you, play with you and be there for you.

All my love,

Aunt Katie

My Letter to the Fashion Industry

Dear Fashion Industry,
Let's start with this.  I love clothes. I love shoes.  I love colors. I love jewelry.  I love makeup. I love Project Runway more than I can say.  But, in the same breath, let me tell you that I hate you.
I hate you for what you've done to me and to women all over the world.
You may be asking yourself right now, 'well, what have I done?'
You know very well what you did and what you're still doing.
Let me explain.
I am a plus sized vibrant, beautiful, colorful, fun loving, sparkly woman.  I love pink and yellow and orange.  I love pretty shoes.  I love vintage dresses.  I love anything that is sparkly. However, when I googled "plus size vintage" I found a few good websites, but more than that, I found a few really unkind ones.  Ones that told me that I should wear smaller prints and darker colors because of my size.  One that told me that 'full figured women' (silly fashion writers...we all know that means 'fat') should stick to flowing fabrics and long skirts.  We should wear neutral colors such as black, navy, gray, black, brown, white, black and maybe the right shade of taupe because they're "slimming". We shouldn't wear horizontally situated prints like the so popular right now chevron print.  Sad.
When I dug deeper and started looking for something adorable to wear to boost my self esteem a bit, I came across frumpy, tent like dresses in ugly, neutral, thrift store couch floral prints.  There seemed to be quite a few solid colored pieces as well. But nothing that I fell in love with.  The plus size dresses made me feel old, frumpy and sad...something that I am most definitely not.
And then, let's add my size 12 feet.  I see them as a gift.  If the world ever floods, I have flippers.  Take that tiny feet people. However, when it comes to size 12 shoes...let's just say that those shoes would be best used in a hospital on the feet of a cranky, old cartoon style nurse that jabs you with needles or perhaps on the sloppy joe loving lunch lady portrayed by the ever funny Chris Farley.
Do I look like a lunch lady?  I didn't think so. I really am more of a Carrie Bradshaw...in fashion...not life, mind you.
So, Fashion Industry, here it is.  I'm beginning to think that you don't know me.  That's fine, because I've decided that I don't like you.  Why? Because neutral colors aren't slimming, they're boring.  They don't hide the fat rolls, they hide my personality. Florals are for people who like to hang out in gardens and wear stinky perfume that smells like gardenias and baby powder. Not for me.  I don't like flowing fabrics and dolman sleeves.  I think they look like tents and I'm not camping. I refuse to dress like a couch or a pair of curtains. I am not a nurse or a lunch lady or an outdoor instructor.  My feet may not be delicate and lady like, but I like cute shoes too.  Sparkly ones. With high heels. And open toes.  Ha.
You have become my arch nemesis-the Joker to my Batman.  From this point on, I will hunt down every knee length, big patterned, bright colored, un-tent-like dress and I will wear them.  I will wear them with shoes that match, even if I have to buy ugly ones and spray paint them sparkly silver.  I will wear younger prints, colors and styles.  I will avoid neutral colors at all costs, unless of course, they are merely an accent piece to whatever obnoxious style I will be wearing. And, let's be honest, there's nothing you can do about it.  I don't care what you or anyone else thinks.  I am a type one and I will dress like one.  I will feel beautiful and vibrant.  I might even wear a tutu one of these days.  Ooh.  Or a pretty, pink, polka dotted vintage dress with a full skirt and crinoline underneath and sparkly shoes with bows like these stunning Kate Spades...

Yes, I could lose weight, but I shouldn't have to.  I'm pretty healthy, I'm just chubby.  And to be honest, that's none of your business.  Women should be able to wear clothes to help them feel beautiful and to reflect who they are...no matter what size they are.
Also, stop photo shopping everything...we're on to your game. Maybe you should stop focusing on skinny and start focusing on healthy and happy.  Stop making skinny, fit girls feel fat and stop making fat girls feel super fat.  It's unkind.
In closing, I think we need to end our relationship.  I'll keep Project Runway and you can keep your stupid neutral colors and ugly floral prints.
It's really not me, it's you.
Love,
A Chubby Girl Who is Too Busy Loving Herself to Listen to You.

What I Learned About Life from HGTV...

I've been watching A LOT of HGTV lately and I've discovered some things.  First, my kitchen is way too white.  It needs painted.  Second, bead board is a great way to reinforce or cover plaster walls and it looks incredibly fresh and streamlined.  Third, there seem to be two very important jobs on any remodel site- the people in charge of building and the ones in charge of demolition. Fourth, wood floors are really pretty.

So, I was picking out paint swatches tonight to decide what delicious color to paint my kitchen accent wall and  absentmindedly listening to the couple behind me argue about something.  The husband kept saying things like "I could do it myself, it would look really nice and increase the value in our home."  And then the wife would come in with "You would take your sweet time, it would never get done and it's too expensive. Stop being ridiculous." I glanced over for some reason and saw the dejected look on his face.

And it hit me.  Just like in a remodeling project, in life, there are people who build and people who demolish. 

Another example.  Just the other day, I mentioned to a cashier that I loved living near our city's baseball field.  It's such a fun thing to have close and such a great family activity for our community and aren't we lucky to have a team?  The cashier told me that it's just a farm team that's really not that good and there's too many cars parked and she'd hate to live downtown where people park all over your street.

Or...I told someone that I love love having cats.  They replied that they would hate to have cat hair everywhere and that litter boxes were really gross.

See where I'm going here?

I'll admit, as of late, it's been a real struggle for me to be positive and to be a builder.  I've spread my fair share of negativity.  But as I watched this man's face tonight, a scripture came to mind...It's in the Book of Mormon in 2nd Nephi, chapter 2, verse 25- "Adam fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy."  

JOY.  

There will always be people that are going to demolish.  They want you to be miserable just like they are.  They have nothing good to say about anyone or anything.  Anytime you say something positive or spread good news, they find a way to shut you down.  We all have them in our lives.  You know who they are....or who you are.  The builders are the people who compliment you, who find the bright, funny side to anything, who try to make the world a better place through their actions on a daily basis.

The spread of negativity has increased as of late due to social media.  Suddenly, it's cool to be a mean girl.  I have read some scathing comments about a person or a group of people that are completely irrelevant.  Earlier, I saw someone berate someone online because of an honest mistake that was made.  I felt so so bad.  It didn't make me smile.  It didn't make me feel like I was there to have joy.  Why do we do that?  Why do we think that it's our place to destroy people, their actions, their beliefs and their dreams?  It's NOT our job or our place.  Our job should be to help one another become like Christ...by example.  It's not our place to tell someone that their opinion is wrong or stupid or ridiculous just because we don't agree with them.  We have no right to hate someone or insult someone because they're different.  This trend needs to stop.  Now.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone is different.  We all have our own thoughts and our own opinions, and that's okay!  In fact, it's awesome!  If we were all exactly the same, life would be pretty boring, right?  And besides, what does one have to gain from being unkind?  Nothing.

So many times, at least in my case, we get so busy fighting our own battles, that we forget that everyone, and I mean everyone, is fighting one too.  Life is easy for no one.  It's not supposed to be.  Do we become so wrapped up in our own worlds that we forget to offer the kindness that we expect and demand for ourselves to others? Are we too busy building our own world that we, maybe unintentionally, demolish someone else's?

Now, which one are you?  Which one do you want to be?

I have a challenge for you.  Find something beautiful in every day this week.  Post it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or whatever you choose to use.  Tell someone thank you once this week and mean it.  Pay someone a sincere compliment.  Do something kind for someone, even if it's just letting them in front of you in line at the grocery store.  We can make this world better.  We can make it a more positive place where we might have joy.

Small Business Everyday

So, I haven't posted in quite a while, but something has me a little irritable today...and someone needs to say something. 
Recently, a local business announced that it was shutting it's doors-forever.  People are in an uproar.  I'm seeing all over social media sites that people are screaming to "save local businesses!" and "don't let the big box stores win!"  Normally, I join them in their cries.  I do.
But not this time.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love small businesses.  They are the reason that I have a job.  They are my customers and friends.  Some of them are even family to me...because I, too, work for a small, family owned business. I respect the work, sweat, love, money, tears and time they've put in to building that business.  I understand that every dollar means something.  I understand that every employee is special to them.  I understand that sometimes, they don't take a paycheck in order to cover expenses.  I understand how small businesses work.
Now, with that being said- a week before a business closes is NOT the time to try to save the business.  It's just not.
One woman commented on the article about the business saying that she had "gone there when (she) was a kid, how dare they close it!"
May I just point something out?
She WENT there.  When she was a KID.  So, like, what?  20 years ago?  Probably.
Someone else commented that our community needs to support more small business....and then promptly went and bought things from Amazon.  Yes.  You go, citizen.  You show the big box businesses how you support local business....oh wait.  You don't.
Now, here's some advice.
If you REALLY want to save small, local, family owned businesses...you need to support them all the time.  Not just when they're having a sale or when they're trying desperately to keep their doors open or they're liquidating everything in the store to be able to leave with some semblance of a profit.  You need to support them on Mondays when you need milk or on Thursdays before your mom's birthday or on Saturday when you're going to lunch with your husband.  Support them the week before Thanksgiving so that they can actually make a profit on the things they sell you.  Support them.  All the time.  Give them your business, your recommendation and your money.  Stop getting your groceries at WalMart.  Stop buying crap online.  Get your sheet music from your LOCAL music store. Stop shopping at Guitar Center.  Use your local hardware store.  STOP using Amazon.  You may not know this, but places like Amazon and Guitar Center don't follow the rules that other businesses are expected to comply with.  That's why things are cheaper there.  Another reason to shop local?  Chances are, if you shop locally, you'll get an expert with your purchase.  They wouldn't be in that business if they didn't love it.  They know what they're selling you because they use it.  They believe in it.  That's what the extra money pays for.  It pays for expertise.  For example, the guys at Guitar Center can't restring your guitar.  They can't tell you why one type of wood is more resonant than another.  They can't fix the bridge.  For the most part, the local guy CAN do all of those things.
Support that guy.  The one who loves his job and his products.  The one who is fighting the big guys. Your screaming all over Facebook and Twitter about saving small business does NOTHING if you don't spend your money.  NOTHING.

Support them all the time. Not just when they're closing they're doors.

That, my friends, is how small businesses are saved.

Gratitude

As I was driving home for my lunch hour today, I was feeling a little grumpy.  I was thinking about the dishes that needed done, the bathroom that needed cleaned, the piano that needed dusting, the litter box that needed changed, that I hadn't found a cat brother for Lily, the laundry to be done, bills to be paid...and that I didn't really want left over pulled pork for lunch.

And then, I saw him.

As I turned the corner in my car that is almost out of gas and is badly in need of a wash, I saw an older Native American gentleman sitting on a lawn near a government building.  He had a large backpack with, what I assume, is everything he owns inside.  He was eating a sandwich and drinking water, while resting on the soft green grass.  He was clearly a wanderer that frequents one of the downtown shelters that I drive past every single day.  My first thought was that it was so cold and windy today, he must be freezing.  But as I looked closer, I realized he was smiling and singing to himself.    I thought I should stop and help him, but he looked so peaceful and happy.  And I didn't want to ruin that and remind him of his circumstance just to satisfy my need to save the world.

The rest of the way home, I found myself being grateful for my little, old home with peeling paint, my portable dishwasher, my one kitty, my dirty clothes, my unmade bed, the leftovers in my fridge, the heat bill, my gently used furniture, my hot water heater and my dirty car that needs gas.  Heavenly Father has given me so much and sometimes, I'm annoyed at my tile counter tops because I'd prefer granite or quartz.  I hate the ceramic tile on my floor with it's cracks and wish it was wood.  How often do I thank Him for my blessings and then not actually be grateful for them?  Every.  Stupid.  Day. I have so much to be grateful for.  So, so much.  Aside from the things already listed, I'm grateful for my good husband, my family, my job, my calling, the gospel and so much more. 

Today, I'm actually going to show my gratitude for those things.

Cat Boy

A little over 5 years ago, Tim took me to the humane society to pick up the best Christmas present ever.  He was a blue eyed Siamese, Balinese mix named Fluffy....and that was a stupid name.  So, we brought him home and named him Jack.
Over those five years, there were countless times that I laughed until I cried at the things he did, the foods he ate and the places he would hide.  He was always good for a snuggle and a kitten hug and big purrs.  He liked to beg for my food and sometimes, just take it out of my hand when he felt he needed to.  He loved to escape and hide under the porch and scratch himself on the bush in the front yard.  He loved to torment Lily Belle.  He loved to play with his favorite toy Fish.  He would often sprint from room to room to room before sliding across the tile in the kitchen right into the food mat...consequently spilling all the food.  When Tim would go on hunting trips, Jack never left my side.  He slept in front of the bedroom door and would wait by the back door for Tim to get home.  Often times, even before we got a king sized bed, we would wake up to find Jack stretched out, under the covers, with his head on a pillow in between the two of us.  If he wasn't sleeping there, he was sleeping on my pillow, wrapped around my head or stretched out on Tim's back with his paws on Tim's shoulders.  He loved our fireplace insert in our entertainment center.  He spent cold nights lying in front of it and spent the days trying to figure out how to get the cat inside of it out...(his reflection...) He was patient and funny and loving and affectionate.
Then, he got sick.
I'll spare you the details, but to the very last day, he was still affectionate and loving and snuggly, even if he didn't feel good.
Taking my son to the vet that very last time was the hardest thing that I have ever done.  Ever.  And I've done a lot of hard things.
I miss him every day.  I miss seeing him run to the door when I get home.  I miss having him jump on my lap at the dinner table.  I miss him standing on the counter trying to get into the crockpot.  I miss him sitting in between the shower curtains.  I miss him.  I know that he's sitting in Heaven with my Grammy being scratched and coddled and waiting for me to get there so that he can run to the door to meet me, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I never thought that a simple trip to the humane society could change my life.
We went there to rescue him...
And it turned out that Jack rescued me.

love you forever, little cat boy.

He's not "Just a Cat..."

A little over 5 years ago, my husband gave me the greatest Christmas gift any girl could ever ask for.  He called me at work and told me to meet him at the Humane Society.  I was OVERJOYED.  The minute I walked in and saw his little furry face, I was in love.  I had never seen a cat so fluffy with such bright blue eyes and a big, bushy tail.

I put him in his carrier and put him in the front seat.  As I put the car in reverse, he started to cry, because I'm sure he was frightened.  So, first rule broken...and I opened the carrier and put him on my lap and drove all the way home.

We took him inside and let him out.  He was timid...but quickly became comfortable with his new home.  Tim and I decided that the name they gave him at the humane society(Skye or Fluffy...depending on who you talked to..) just wasn't going to work.  My favorite movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean, so we named him Captain Jack Who Eats Sparrows Jennings.

Everyday when I came home for lunch or from work Jack ran to the door to meet me.  He purred, played, slept on my pillow, snuggled between Tim and I at night under the covers, begged for food, ate off of my spoon and lots of other sweet things.

I especially remember the time that the Humane Society came to do their quick home visit.  Tim and I were having a lazy Saturday and just hanging out in our jammies when the doorbell rang.  We answered the door and were surprised to see the ladies from the humane society.  I think one of them was secretly wishing that we weren't treating him well so she could take him back.  She called him Fluffy with no response.  He took one look at them and proceeded to run around our living room jumping on everything and showing off.  I think he was trying to tell them that he loved his new house and please go away.  They never came back.  

Jack has always been there when I've been sad.  He protects me (or thinks he does) when Tim is away.  He loves sitting by the stove when I cook bacon because he knows I'll drop some on purpose for him. He loves to snuggle and often sits on a certain husband of mine's lap.  He loves to pick on his sister.  All the time.  He loves to play hide and seek.  Yes, I'm aware that he's a cat.

About a month ago, I noticed his weight loss.  Jack has always been a BIG cat.  And he seemed...skinnier.  So, I took him to the vet and after a HORRIBLE experience with a TERRIBLE vet...we found out that it could be one of three things...cancer, pancreatitis or a stomach/bowel problem.  I hoped for the best and treated the stomach ick thing...for two weeks...to no avail.  And now...my cat is dying.  And my heart is breaking.  And I feel awful.

There are people out there that are suffering real losses...grandparents, friends, sisters, mothers, family members.

To the rest of the world- Jack is just a cat.

To me, he is my child.
I love you, my little cat boy.

Lately

Hey.  Have you missed me?  Have you noticed my absence?
Not to worry, it's because I've been doing something else for a while...and I will be continuing to put my efforts there for the next few months...
I would love for you to check it out and share it with some people that need it.  It's a website for women like me.  Women that are childless and LDS and trying to work our way through it.  So, please...for now, have a look and I promise I'll be back soon.
Love!
www.childlessmormonsupport.com

Seeking Inspiration...

We've been talking a lot this year at church about ministering to the one, about that one lost sheep that desperately needs found.  I'll admit.  I'm kind of a coward.  I can do the paperwork part.  I can find them.  I can track them down...but when it goes to actually walking out my door and physically finding them...I'm a coward.
Sunday, my sweet friend Suzanne taught a lesson in primary about following the example of Jesus Christ.  She referenced a scripture found in Luke 15:4 - 6. 


4: What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost until he find it?
5: And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
6: And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbors saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.


I'm not going to lie.  I felt awful.  And it's been on my mind for days.  I'm the primary president.  I'm supposed to be the shepherd that sets the example and the standard for primary kids to follow.  I need to work harder.  But how?  And how can I ever find the courage to do it?  How can I be inspired enough to overcome my fear?


So, tonight, I taught piano lessons...and after my student left, I decided to sit and play for a while.  And while I was playing, I came across two songs that pierced my heart.  I wish I could explain the way I felt.  I wish you could feel it too.  I wish I didn't have to work because the fire has been lit.  I'm there.  I want to spend my days searching and finding and protecting my sheep.  Have a listen and hopefully, you understand what I'm about to say.

My Savior loves me enough that I know that He would come find me and I know that He expects me to love my sheep enough to go find them.  How can I not?  He would do it for me.  And because I want to be like Him, I will find them.  I will go, I will do, I will search and I won't quit searching until I find them.

I've also been thinking about how it must feel to be the "found sheep".  I know through personal experiences that it is a life changing experience.  To know that someone thinks enough of you and loves you enough to put in that effort to bring you back to the proverbial fold can change your world.  So, let us not find sheep because we're told to.  Let's not make this something to check off on our celestial to do list.  Let's do it because we love our Savior.  Let's do it because we realize that "the worth of souls is great".  Let's find them because we would each want someone to find us.

And to leave you with some inspiration...here is a quote from Prophet Thomas S Monson's most recent Priesthood Session talk, True Shepherds. (found here)

"The work will never be concluded until our Lord and Master says, “It is enough.” There are lives to brighten. There are hearts to touch. There are souls to save. Ours is the sacred privilege to brighten, to touch, and to save those precious souls entrusted to our care. We should do so faithfully and with hearts filled with gladness."

The Journey of a Thousand Miles...or something similar.

So, I've been doing some research to try and understand myself.  I've been reading a book called "Dressing Your Truth" by Carol Tuttle.  This book tries to help you make some sense of who you are and why you do, say and act the way you do.  A lot of it makes sense.  There are four types...and I am CLEARLY a type 1. ( Find your type here! )  Everything within that type describes me perfectly.  I am trying very hard to live my life that way.  However, in doing this research, I'm finding some things.  And I don't like it.

A type 1 personality is described as bright and airy.  Her goal is to have fun and to inspire others to have fun. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to have fun.  I can have fun doing almost anything.  I can often be found daydreaming, doodling, creating, singing, dancing (badly) or other childlike things.  I have always been that way.  Always.  Want an example?  Here you go...

eating cookie dough..while covered...with Grandma.
Shocking.

Having fun is a double edged sword.  Because I am always on the lookout for fun, I live a somewhat indulgent lifestyle.  I like cookies because they're good.  I like snow cones because they're fun.  I like Famous Dave's because it's fun.  And tasty.  If something isn't fun to me, I don't want to do it and often don't actually do things that I think are lame. For instance, things that are necessary in life aren't always fun.  Cooking, cleaning, exercising, planning, organizing, being responsible, etc.  I am an excellent party planner - but I hate to clean it up.  Does that make sense?

So, I've learned all these things about myself...and I need to find ways to make adult life FUN.  My job isn't ever a problem because I love the customers that I work with and it's FUN to talk to them. Primary is FUN.  I need to make exercising, planning, cooking and eating right FUN.  Ugh.

I love to be the funny girl in the group, but let's be honest shall we?  I'm the funny one because the slots for the smart one, the organized one, and the pretty one are taken.  I don't mind being the funny one, really...but I need to be the healthy one.

Today, my husband said to me- We need to get healthy because I want you around in 30 years.  And I got scared.  And worried.  And I started thinking...do I really want to be skinny?  If I'm skinnier, I'll probably be prettier and then will people actually listen to me or think I'm funny?  Is the only reason that I'm funny because I'm chubby?  What happens when I lose my chubby shell and I can't hide behind it anymore?  What happens when I can't make fat girl jokes?  Will people still like me?  

I've had to be friendly and funny and personable because I've never been the skinny, pretty one.  I had to cultivate other skills to make friends.  I am honestly worried that if I am skinny...I'll have to start over.  

Now, I know how stupid that sounds.  I do. But this weight loss journey is scary.  It's who I am.  It's what I do.  It's my spot in life.  I like hiding in my chubby girl suit.  It's safe here.  People can't hurt you here. They don't necessarily judge you for all your failings...they just judge you because you're a fat kid.  That's so much easier than what people COULD judge me for, right?

However.  I love Tim more than I could ever love myself.  And because I love him, I will do this.  I will be healthy.  I'm not aiming for skinny.  I'm not aiming for gorgeous.  I'm aiming for healthy and for self acceptance.  I don't want to be this girl ever again.  (except for the meeting Reba part...that was freaking cool.)

So, please.  Be patient with me.  The journey of a thousand miles (or a hundred pounds) begins with one step.  

Ready.

Set.

Go.